Why Wufei?
by Doku Hana
Summary: Wufei goes completely insane! PG-13 for shounen-ai, cross-dressing, language, and sock puppets. Gotta love sock puppets! R & R! Be kind, rewind! I mean, flame and die, punks! Written with help from Iyo Ichi. ^_^


Why Wufei

Why Wufei?

"Iiiiit's a small world aaaaaf-ter alllll! Iiiiiit's a small world aaaaaaf-ter all! Iiiiiit's a small world aaaaf-ter all, it's a smaaaall smaaaall woooorrrld!" Quatre sang along to his favorite Disney anthem—for the 1,542nd time. How do we know? Wufei was counting. He was ticking off the repetitions with chalk in his room. He thought he would just fill up the small chalkboard he had by his bed, but now his whole room was covered in the marks. Now he wasn't counting. He had crawled onto his futon bed and was lying in a fetal ball with the sheet wrapped tightly around his head.

It was bad enough that Quatre was singing, but did he have to wear those costumes? Each time Quatre paraded by the open door, he had on a different native outfit. This time, he was Swedish. Not only was he Swedish, but he was a Swedish girl with clogs and fake blond braids.

Wufei was used to having his mind raped in such strange methods. Before Wufei had completely mastered English, Duo had convinced him that the word for shoes was "monkey" and the word for white was "perscription." This not only threw his fashion sense off completely, but made his sentences sound something like this: "Where is my monkey? Who's got my monkey? No Duo, you can't have my monkey" or conversely, when talking about his pants: "Where are my prescription pants? Why does it always have to be prescription? You know, I need a prescription collar like Duo's." Also, Duo's penchant for dressing up Trowa's gundam in lingerie because he thought Heavy Arms "looked like it needed some support (see 'Heavyarms Newest Upgrade' for details)," had thrown him for a loop. That was all well and good, but "It's a Small World" was just too much. Especially when one verse is sung****in your native language. 

__

Oh Gods, here it comes again. Quatre hopped past the door wearing a Chinese silk dress that would have looked good on any… woman… What really annoyed him was the ill-fitting black wig he insisted on wearing, and the eye makeup that he figured was supposed to make him look more Asian. Wufei thought it made him look like a massage parlor whore. Wufei had finally had enough.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! NO MORE SING~IIIIING!!!" Wufei back flipped off the futon, still screaming, and tore out of the room, sheet still held tightly around his head like a hood. He had to get away. There was music everywhere. When he was out of earshot of Quatre's noise, he was in the sphere of Trowa's incessant circus music that he insisted made him "feel at home." Wufei made it to the stairs and tried to make a graceful jump onto the handrail so he could slide the rest of the way down, but unfortunately he needed his arms for balance, and they were too busy keeping that sheet on his head. His scream of anger turned to surprise as his foot missed the rail and sent him tumbling head over heels down the stairs.

"AH*THUMP*HH*THUMP*HH*THUMP*HH*THUMP*HH*WHAM*…oro…" He was in the hangar. He stood up and looked around to see if anyone had seen his momentary loss of grace. He saw Duo and Heero, but neither of them seemed to have noticed. Both of them were wearing headphones. Heero, was singing as he riveted a bulkhead back onto his gundam.

"Domo arigato *grunt* Mr. Roboto… Domo…. domo…" Wufei screamed again and ran further into the hangar. He spied Duo dragging something towards Heavy Arms. He didn't want to know, but he looked anyway. Heavy Arms had yet another new upgrade. Not only was there a lacy, pink bra, but now there were thong panties, a garter belt, and thigh high white stockings. On further inspection, what Duo turned out to be dragging was a navy blue, pleated skirt, a white frilly, sailor shirt, and a big red bow. It also looked like he had a massive wig to put on it as well.

"He's going to have to use a crane for that…" Wufei muttered. Duo heard him over his headphones.

"Yeah, prolly…" He shrugged and pulled the headphones off. "I was going for the 'sailor fuku' look. I was going to use loose socks, but I decided against it." He pointed to a pile of discarded gigantic clothes over in the corner. Duo was a respected customer at Lane Bryant. All the girls admired him for buying expensive clothing for his assumed mysterious large girlfriend that he'd had for so long. "I couldn't get the sock glue to stick to the gundanium." Wufei looked with disbelief at Duo's freakish creation. Duo put his headphones back on and swung up on the catwalk in front of Heavy Arms to finish his work.

Then, he started singing.

"I'm gonna dress you up in my love! All over your bod-y…All over, all oveeerr…"

Something snapped in Wufei as he looked at the pile of gundam costumes.

__

StopwiththesingingstopwiththesingingIthinkI'mgoingcrazy…

Heero started singing a new song in the distance.

"I think I'm turningJapaneseIthinkI'm…"

__

TurningJapaneseIreallythinkso…HeE hEe HeE!! My right arm!! It's turning Japanese!!

He grabbed his arm and ran towards the clothes pile. He grabbed a sock, a piece of thread, and two, mismatched buttons that were the spares for an oversized yellow shirt that Duo had apparently decided against using.

"HeE hEe HeE! HoO hOo HoO!" He bounded off towards his own gundam.

Later on:

Trowa was having a wonderful dream. He had become the ringmaster of the circus. The lions and tigers obeyed him, everyone was wearing a mask like his, and best yet, Quatre was doing an acrobatic routine dressed in tights and the skimpiest pair of bikini briefs he had ever seen.

"Mmm…. Quatre…." Trowa rolled over and buried his face in his pillow. Suddenly, there was a giant woodpecker in his dream, tapping madly at the center tent support. Quatre gave it a dirty look and poked it with his balancing pole. The woodpecker ducked quickly, pecking Quatre up into his beak and swallowing him whole.

"Nooooooo!" Trowa screamed into his pillow. The woodpecker began to peck at the tent pole furiously, and the tent came crashing down on him. Then he woke up. In his barely awake, fuzzy brain he began to contemplate whether or not the woodpecker was a symbol of what he felt were his inadequacies as a man. However, the tapping hadn't stopped when his dream evaporated and rational thought entered the picture. He could see something white and fuzzy at his window.

"Snow", his brain said. Another part of it said "June." This confused him. He sat up. Trowa thought he heard the feedback from a PA system coming on.

"Oooohhaaaayyyyyooooooo, sleepy-time boy! It's me, Sockamoto!!" At the window, it seemed, was a surreally large sock puppet with mismatched button eyes.

"It must be Tuesday," he muttered. Apparently he had more experience with large sock creatures than the other gundam pilots. 

"Heellllloooo? Heeellllloooo? You no fun sleepy-time boy! Go back to your circus, freak-man!"

"What the fuck?" Trowa blinked a few times, got up, and shut the blinds.

"Hey! Hey! You no do this to SOCKamoto! Come back bitch-man!" Trowa crawled under the covers and went back to sleep. Wufei lost interest and Nataku and "Sockamoto" tromped off.

"Oh there's just one moon, and one gooool-den sun, and a smile means friieeeeendship to ev'ry one… Oh the mountains divide, and the oceans are wide, it's a small—CRAP!!" Quatre's window suddenly exploded, seemingly from a hard blow from a King Kong sized sock puppet.

"Koooonnniiiiccchhhiiii-waaaaaaaa!! Waaasssaaaaabbbiiiii?!" Quatre stared at the talking sock****puppet. He muttered incoherently, then fainted dead away at the sight. He landed precariously, with the skirt of his kimono flying over his head showing his custom made rainbow colored teacup print underwear.

"…Stupid pansy! You make mockery of Sockamoto's Japanese heritage! Wake up, gaijin!" Quatre looked like he wouldn't be waking up for a long time. "Fine then… Be that way… Take away Sockamoto's great revenge, little whiney bitch-bastard!" With that, Nataku stomped away. As Nataku faded on to the horizon, Trowa stumbled groggily into Quatre's room. Apparently the sock puppet in his window had finally struck him as out of place. 

"*YAWN!* Hey Quatre, have you seen… HOLY FLAMING TRAPEEZES!" Usually Trowa's expletives would have been a little stronger, but he recognized the slim, pretty legs and rainbow teacup underwear and didn't want to seem vulgar to his boyfriend. "What happened?" Quatre woke up quickly and sorted out his kimono with as much dignity as he could muster.

"Something's wrong with Wufei! He came to my window claiming he was…" Trowa finished his sentence.

"Sockamoto?" Quatre looked at him with surprise.

"Why, yes!" Trowa fumed.

"I'll get him…" Trowa stomped out of the room and down the stairs. His intent was to kill. This made Quatre nervous. If Wufei was having psychological trouble, then Trowa beating the crap out of him was NOT going to help. He paced nervously, deciding what he should do.

Down in the hangar, everything was going haywire.

"Duuuuooooo!! Oh Duuuuooooo?" Duo looked up from tying the saddle shoes on HeavyArm's gigantic feet and pulled off his headphones.

"Hm? Did someone call my n… Holy Mother of God…" Duo wondered if Wufei had finally found a sense of humor, or if he'd finally gone off the deep end. He concluded it was the latter since hell would have frozen over if he'd found a sense of humor, and of all people "Shinigami" would know if hell had frozen over.

"Kooooonnniiiiccchhhiii-waaaaaaaa!!" The sock puppet yelled. "I am SOCKAMOTO!!! I AM WUFEI'S JAPANESE HAND!!" Duo fell on his ass laughing. Apparently Wufei didn't know the slang meaning of "turning Japanese" and what it could possibly mean if your hand had "turned Japanese." Duo laughing seemed to make Wufei furious. "What are _you_ laughing at, onna? Yes, onna! You're a woman in a man's clothing! No man has hair like that!" If there was one thing you _didn't_ do to Duo, it was insult his hair.

"What did you say?!" Duo yelled.

"You heard me, onna." Duo scowled up at Nataku's head. "Onna, onna, onna! You're nothing but an ONNA!" Wufei, satisfied with Duo's look of disgust, took a breath and continued. "Onna, onna, onna, onna, onna, onna, onna, onna!"

"Why you little fashion-depraved psycho-whore! Come down here and fight like a man!" Sockamoto laughed at him.

"Why should I fight like a _man_ if you're a _woman_!" Duo growled.

"Listen, Wu-man. You're _really_ crossin' the line here…"

"What did you just call me?" 

At that moment, Trowa came bounding down the stairs.

"All right, where's that hard-assed Chinese bitch that scared Quatre? He and I have a score to settle." Duo pointed grumpily up at Nataku and Sockamoto. "Right. I'll just get in my gundam and beat the shit out of… him…" Trowa noticed that his gundam had gone through a few changes. Sex changes, to be specific. HeavyArms looked like someone was trying to make a bishoujo manga with him as the main character. He knew who that someone was too.

"All right… Change of plans…" Trowa said calmly, "First I'm going to beat the shit out of Duo, then I'm going to get all this crap off my gundam, _then_ I'm going to get in my gundam and beat the shit out of Wufei." Duo's expression changed immediately from anger to mischievous elation.

"You gotta _catch_ me first, Trowa!" Duo bounded off and Trowa nearly bounded off after him.

"_Just_ a minute now…" Quatre's voice parted the tension in the room. "There will be no more violence here." Quatre gracefully stepped down the stairs hands folded in front of him in his beautiful kimono. His geisha makeup was back in place as well as his wig. Wufei greeted him with loud, raucous gagging noises over the PA system. He wheeled around drunkenly, swinging "Sockamoto" around.

"Ooooooohhhhh, ooooohhhhh!" Sock-amoto said, his 100% cotton mouth completely open, "Oooohhhhh all this cross dressing is making me siiiiick… One pilot is a woman in man's clothing, one is a man in woman's clothing, one puts way too much hairspray on his bangs to be straight, and that other one…" Sockamoto shivered, "I don't want to talk about him and his hotpants… I'm not surprised that even the _gundams_ are gender confused!" Sockamoto turned towards the bishoujo HeavyArms, then back at Quatre. "Ohhhhh the site doth sear mine eyeballs…" Sockamoto's head rotated all the way around like a demon in a "B" horror film. "I think I'm gonna throw uuupppp…" And with that, Sockamoto did.

With his sword, Wufei had made a small slit in Sockamoto's mouth, and had fed Nataku's dragon arm's flame nozzle through it. A highly flammable and permanently staining liquid was ralphed all over Quatre's beautiful, pink with white crane print, silk kimono. Quatre stood stunned, his mouth opening and shutting like a beached fish. Shenlong turned on one heel, and tromped out of the hangar. After a few moments of blinking, Quatre turned to Trowa and slapped him. Quatre's face turned blood red with anger and he screeched shrilly,

"WHY HAVEN'T YOU KILLED HIM YET!!" This proved to be a fruitless effort on Quatre's part since he went a little farther than motivating Trowa to go after Wufei—he knocked him out cold. This surprised Quatre, but seemed only to fuel his fury. Duo looked at him, imagined he saw steam rising from the blonde's head, and saw it best to scuttle off to the safety of his gundam and it's magnetically sealed door. The only one now left in the hangar was Quatre and Heero. Quatre could hear the faint chorus of Collective Soul's "Over Tokyo." Heero nonchalantly took off his headphones, feeling Quatre's stare. Quatre fumed at him, baring his teeth.

"I don't know _how_ this is your fault, but I KNOW IT IS!!" Heero, coincidentally, other than having no other pants than the ones he had on now, was the least guilty of all of the pilots. He advanced on Heero. Quatre's intention had been to inflict pain on one of the people he felt was responsible for his ruined kimono. What's funny about this is that the person that was most responsible for did get what was coming to him, just not in the way Quatre had planned.

Quatre lay on his back, unconscious. Once he had come near enough, Heero had chopped him on the shoulder near the neck, knocking him out. Heero gazed at Wing Zero thoughtfully.

"Mission: Stop Wufei from inflicting harm on innocent people, and to cure him of his apparent insanity by kicking his ass." He smirked. "Mission, accepted." Heero walked over to the pile of discarded gundam clothes and picked out a sock... and two buttons…

"I AM SOCKAMOTO! YOU WILL ALL BOW TO ME! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!!" Shenlong stepped on another shopping center. "YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE MAKE YOUR TIME!" His PA system squealed feedback and there was a collective gasp from the crowd below, scurrying away. "HA HA HA!" Wufei carried on his merriment, unaware that he was being stalked. Suddenly, another PA system crackled to life. There was a cough and an eerie pause. Nataku turned around to face the noise. Right behind them was Wing Zero in all it's gleaming glory.

"Ni hao, Sockamoto." Sockamoto cocked it's head and looked at the other sock puppet.

"Dare-des ka!" Sock-amoto yelled.

"I am Mao Tsock-tung. I am Heero's Chinese arm. I have come to proposition something." Sockamoto looked aghast.

"Proposition? What do you think I am, some cheap gigolo?" Sockamoto scrunched up his face. "Go to hell!" 

Heero sighed. This was going to be harder than he thought.

"But wait, Sockamoto… You can't live being a Japanese hand on an otherwise Chinese body… There needs to be harmony! Trade places with me, Mao Tsock-tung and all will be well!"

Shenlong's PA system was quiet as Wufei and his Japanese alter ego considered this.

"Very well! We will trade with you!" Wufei maneuvered the sock off of Shenlong's fire-breathing arm. The spell of insanity was instantly broken. 

"W-where am I?" Wufei stammered. "And… and… Why do I have this huge sock puppet?" Heero breathed a sigh of relief. "And… and… Why do you have one too, Heero?"

"It's a long story, Wufei… Lets just go home."

A few hours later:

"Hey Heero!" Duo called, "That was great how you got Wufei to snap out of that insanity like that." Heero, as usual, said nothing. However, someone, or rather, something else did.

"Don't thank that Japanese lunk! Thank me, Mao Tsock-tung! It was all _my_ idea!" 


End file.
